I’ll never forget the first time I was “cheated on.” I was fourteen and had a boyfriend. Let me define boyfriend: We had a crush on each other. We saw each other at school and he came to my house to hang out ONCE. We were “exclusive.” I vividly remember learning that he was seen out and about with another girl that was apparently his other girlfriend. After learning this, I just told him I didn’t feel the same anymore. It wasn’t a lie, though I didn’t tell him the entire truth. We never spoke again.

At age sixteen, I dated a guy for around eight months. I really felt like we were best friends. We went to church together every Sunday and Wednesday. I went on a day trip with him and his parents and became close with them. We enjoyed one another’s company and would listen to music and just hang out. I vividly remember sitting on the front steps at my mom’s house when he told me that he had to tell me something. He informed me that he had kissed another girl a few months before and felt guilty about it and needed to tell me. I was shocked and hurt and wasn’t aware until that moment that humans could experience such feelings. He was my BEST FRIEND and I TRUSTED him. I told him I needed to think about it and tried forgiving him over the next few months and couldn’t. I left him crying and begging for forgiveness in the church parking lot. (He ended up dating the girl he kissed for a while. Go figure)

I met my first husband (Yes, First), at age nineteen and got married when I was twenty-one. We won’t go into WHY I did this. That’s another story. Anyway, the sinking feeling I felt when I was sixteen was intensified by about a thousand when I saw the words, “Hey, sexy” come up on his phone in the middle of the night. Here’s the story:

It was October 4th 2013. It had already been under freezing and was extremely cold outside. My phone was dying and I went out to get my charger from my car. I opened the front door to head out, felt the cold air, and decided against it. Instead, I went into the bedroom to see if his phone was charged so I could use his charger. He was already in bed asleep so I unplugged his phone to plug mine in. Upon doing this, I saw a text come up on the top of his phone that said, “Hey sexy.” I heart sank. I couldn’t believe it. I clicked on it and read through the messages. He had downloaded a messaging app and was using a fake name from the city just north of us. He was also using a photo that I TOOK of him. I woke him up and he denied everything. He tried telling me it was an ad. LO friggin L! He was also on dating sites saying things along the lines of “Married man looking to have a little fun.”

This was only five months into the marriage.

I soon found out he only married me out of pity and had cheated on every girlfriend that he had. He had told friends that he wasn’t ready to be married but didn’t want to hurt my feelings breaking up with me. So he married me and cheated on me instead. Such a great guy.

Four days later, he was out and I moved back into the single wide on my dad’s property. The only thing I miss about that marriage are my CDs and my August Burns Red hoodie that he stole.

For a short amount of time, I dated a man that swore we were exclusive. He even told me he was falling in love with me. I bought him Christmas gifts, helped clean his house, and really did begin to fall for him… except he was still on dating sites swiping right and messaging ALL the women on every social media platform.

I’ve typed all of this to say that there’s little that hurts more than when someone hurts you when they’ve promised to love you. The sinking feeling in your heart when the one that you’re supposed to spend your life with is a feeling I wish no one had to feel. You’re left wondering what you did wrong. Why weren’t you worthy of the truth and respect? Why did they decide to make time for someone else rather than tell you that something was bothering them? Why weren’t you made a priority? I’ll be writing another post about relationship PTSD and how it absolutely IS real.

I remember sitting in the shower multiple times crying to the point I was just screaming and shaking wondering what I did wrong and wondering why I wasn’t worthy. The wrong person will make you question your worth when, in fact, you didn’t do anything wrong. Not to mention, all of this was happening during my post “All the Health Things.” The added stress of the relationship definitely didn’t help with all the new found health conditions I was trying to cope with.

Do you relate to any of these feelings? Do any of these stories sound like things you’ve experienced? If so, just know you aren’t alone and your feelings of betrayal and hurt are valid.

I also want to add that, if you need someone to talk to and help sort out your feelings, there’s NO SHAME in seeking help. There are hotlines you can text and local counselors and health care providers that are there for support. Please know you are not alone in how you feel and there are people that want to listen and help.