Have you ever found out your partner was using pornography? How did it make you feel? I imagine you felt anger, sadness, betrayal, and inadequacy. Betrayal and inadequacy are the two that hit me the hardest. I trusted my partner when he told me he didn’t partake in those activities. And like a dummy, I believed him.

When I learned that my first ex husband (You read that correctly) was cheating and watching porn, it destroyed me. I had no trust left for him. How can someone that said they’d love you and only you hurt you that way? I couldn’t understand it. The feelings of inadequacy hit like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was the one to blame. It had to be something I did, or didn’t do, to make him find fulfillment outside of the marriage. Turns out, he was just a dirtbag with some pretty dark problems. That was oddly relieving.

Fast forward about five years and I end up in the same boat with another “man.” I found out very early in the relationship that he was using pornography. He told me that he thought it was normal while in a relationship and he had always done it. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Next up came the flashback and, you guessed it, feelings of inadequacy and betrayal swept over me. He promised it wouldn’t happen again.

I was a dummy for believing that, too. That relationship continuously got worse and worse. The use of pornography never stopped. He would download secret browsers, use them, then delete them. I tried being intimate with him on multiple occasions and he rejected me every time. One summer day, I put on my bikini, went outside, and started working on a home improvement project that I was excited to finally be getting done. I was taking the shutters off the house and painting them. He stayed inside while the kids slept. I had no problem with that. What I had a problem with was what happened next. I walk in to get a drink and catch him in the act! I run over and demand to see what he was looking and and he refused.

I broke down. Literally. Knees to the floor and my face in my hands. Again, those familiar feelings took over me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was in a full-blown panic attack and I couldn’t stop. He told me I was being dramatic and got mad at ME for how I was reacting.

What’s so wrong with me? Why does he reject me? Why does he want took at other women instead of me? What do they have that I don’t?

Those are the questions that kept going through my head. It HAD to be me since he isn’t the first one to hurt me this way. Is there something about me so repulsive that no one wants to touch me? Why am I always lied to about these things?

That relationship didn’t last very long.

Next. Insert most recent partner. He asked me to be exclusive with him on the first date. I freaked out. I said no at first and a few days later decided I wanted to. He was in. I was in. I was still a little hesitant because of how soon he seemed to wanted to jump into it and I told him. I decided to take it back and I explained that I felt rushed and just wanted a few days to think about it and a few days later we were back on track and it was going really well.

We worked opposite shifts. He worked weekends and I worked weekdays. We only really spent time together late in the afternoons. Soon enough, he started rejecting me, too. A few weeks went by and he turned me down every time I tried being intimate or affectionate with him. He said it was because he was tired from work. I tried to believe him but I couldn’t. I’d had so many horrible experiences with it and I was afraid to ask. But I had to. So, I did. He told me he wasn’t watching porn and promised me it was from work. I had no reason to not believe him and let it go.

A few nights later, we rearranged his living room. I was behind the TV stand helping him wire up the surround sound when I looked at him and thought to myself, “I really do love him.” At this time, it was three months into the relationship. I was sure of my feelings. I was understanding towards him needing to rest after work and didn’t push him any further about it.

The next day, while he was in the shower, curiosity got the best of me and I looked at his phone. I found what I was terrified to find. It was there. Again, the dreaded feeling came up. I felt like I was going to throw up.

It was me.
It HAD to be me.

I was repulsive to the opposite sex. I was sure of it. I went to confront him about it and he had an absolute tantrum. He started screaming at me and blaming me and made me leave his house. I broke up with him soon after. (That was the first break up of the on-again-off-again relationship)

I still feel hurt from all of the times past partners have lied to me and hurt me in this way. It isn’t fair to the person on the receiving end of it. Some people are okay with it. Others are not. You MUST communicate about these things early in the relationship. Don’t assume your partner is on the same page as you are then end up disappointed. Talk to them about how you feel about these things.