I am not a medical professional. I’m only speaking from personal experience and elaborating on ways that have helped me overcome past trauma. If you need support, please see your primary care physician/counselor to discuss your treatment options.

PTSD and trauma has been thrown around a lot the last few years. I’ve even used the phrase “It’s the trauma” trying to play off my actual trauma as a way to make a joke. But PTSD, in any form, is not a joke.

It started with the cheating. Refer to my post “How it Feels When Your Significant Other Cheats” for a little back story.

For this post, I’ll be focusing on what caused my relationship PTSD and how I’ve dealt with it successfully, and unsuccessfully, at times.

One way to make sure to secure your PTSD is to be with someone who physically, verbally, and psychologically abuses. I don’t advise doing this. I have one past relationship in particular that caused a majority of my issues. It started with the use of pornography. I found out pretty early in the relationship that he was using it. I let my feelings be known and his response was, “I thought it was normal to do this. I don’t see what’s wrong with it.” Cue flashback to never feeling adequate in first marriage. I figured the conversation was all that was needed.

I was very wrong. It kept happening. He admitted to downloading browsers, using them, then deleting them afterwards. He picked fights with me and often didn’t want to be intimate. He CHOSE porn over me.

I remember asking once for him to take care of the kids for a little bit while I took a nap. Of course, my oldest didn’t like that. He was a toddler and the time and a huge mama’s boy. I’m not complaining here, by the way. But I needed a break. My son was mad and crying, my significant other didn’t care to distract him to make him stop. I was in the bedroom trying to get sleep. He opened the door and asked if I was “Just going to listen to this and not do anything about it.” I told him I really needed a break. Just a hour. This escalated into and huge fight and ended with him telling me I’m a sh*tty and worthless mom and my kids are better off without me. He asked what kind of mom doesn’t want to take care of her kids when they need her.

Excuse me?? I ASKED FOR ONE HOUR!

I could go on about things like this happening on a normal basis. During one fight, a TV, two doors, some jewelry, and flower pots were broken. During another fight, I tried calling 911 and he broke my phone. There are countless times he put his hands on me. I won’t go into all the details of all the other times. You’ll be up all night.

Fast forward a year and a half and I meet someone. He soon finds out I have a lot of problems from my past relationships and he’s fine dealing with it, until he’s not. This is my most recent relationship. During my attacks, he often didn’t respect my boundaries when I told him I needed to be left alone because it wasn’t like I could finish a thought in the first place. More than once, he pushed me to, “Just tell me what’s wrong!!” to the point of making the attack worse. He also didn’t help me to overcome my issues. If anything, me made them worse.

What a PTSD attack feels like:
1. Flashbacks of past experiences with the abuser. You may have racing thoughts of all the instances where you were either physically, mentally, psychologically, or verbally abused. You may remember exact phrases the person said to you and feel those emotions as if you were just told those things over again. One that comes to me quiet frequently is, “You’re a sh*tty mom. You don’t deserve your kids.”
2. Feelings of worthlessness or being a burden. It often feels the exact way it did when you first experienced the feeling. It doesn’t take much for me to feel this. One wrong phrase will send my mind of a trip. Often times the person that said it didn’t mean it in the way my brain took it. But my brain remembers what it felt like when someone else said the certain phrase to me and the type of atmosphere I was when I experienced it. For example, I was having a disagreement with a significant other when he stopped responding to me. I tried talking to him and he acted like I wasn’t there. He didn’t acknowledge me at all. I suddenly remembered a time when I tried getting my mom’s attention and she did the same thing. I suddenly remembered standing behind the couch asking my mom a question. She continued eating and watching TV. I said, “Hey, mom.” Still nothing. The sudden feeling of being a burden soon swept over me and I felt all the things I felt in the past instance where someone couldn’t care less if I was there or not.
3. Not being able to think or speak clearly or at all. Once the initial attack has begun, I usually can’t speak. If I’m having a flashback and my mind is racing, I usually can’t put into words how I feel.

One recent example of number four is when my significant other caused a PTSD attack. It was something simple that was said and, of coarse, it took my brain back to past experiences. I was sitting in the tub and forgot a few things I needed under the sink. I called him in to get them for me and he did. My razor was on the top shelf of the shower and I asked if he could get that for me, also. I said, “Can you get my razor for me, too?” He replied with, “You mean MY razor.” My brain went on a little adventure and started trying to understand why he’d say this. Is he using the razor against me? I thought he said I could have this razor since mine didn’t work as well. Why is he trying to hold my use of HIS razor over my head? Is he trying to control me in some sort of way? Why does he want to hurt me? I just start crying. I feel everything and all at once. Worthless, like a burden, and helpless. He comes back because he hears me and asks what’s wrong. I tell him I can’t talk about it and he asks why. Which leads me to this:

For people that experience PTSD attacks:
1. Acknowledge that it’s happening and know that it will pass. Try your best to understand that the experience is in the past and that it was only triggered. If you need additional help, there’s NO SHAME in calling or texting the crisis hotline.
2. Communicate your feelings with your significant other. If you can’t get your mouth to talk and your brain feels scrambled, say that. If you need a few minutes (or however long it takes for you to be able to communicate efficiently), say that. If you’re able to communicate and feel comfortable doing so, explain what was done or said that caused you to feel the way you do. Share the past experience if you are comfortable doing so and feel it is necessary.
3. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Understand that healing takes time and there’s no set time in which is has to be done.

For people whose partners or friends experience PTSD attacks:
1. Listen to them. If they need space, give them space. If they want to talk, listen without judgement.
2. Respect their boundaries. Not doing so will often make the situation worse.
3. Be patient and kind.
4. Let them know you love them and want to be there for them.

I, personally, never had someone just sit and hold me during these times. The situation was always made worse because the other person couldn’t understand why I couldn’t communicate my feelings while it was happening. I was always something along the lines of, “I could help you if you would just tell me what’s wrong!!” When I’d ask for space, it never happened. When he’d ask what he could do to help, I’d always tell him that I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts. This always made him mad and he’d storm out of the room. Of coarse, this only fed the problem of me feeling like a burden. This NEVER makes the situation better, especially with me having a sleep disorder. Feeling sudden emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, or even excitement like laughing uncontrollably can cause me to be very tired afterwards. Now imagine how I feel after someone makes my PTSD attack worse than it already is. It’s exhausting.

Do you or someone you love have similar experiences? I know it sucks. Healing takes time. Sometimes lots of it. But there’s no shame in that. You have to understand that abusers are abusers. That’s what they do. You were unfortunately their victim.